January 20, 2008

Bam Bam called me last night, wanting to know if I was serious about getting him on American Gladiators. Please. When am I ever not serious? He’s interested so let’s get the ball rolling.

My Cookie Monster account received a doozy of a spam email yesterday from a hard-done-by Jennifer in Cote d’Ivoire. Cookie Monster replied with a rare point-by-point response to her heartbreaking message, appropriately titled: “WITH TEARS FROM JENNIFER”…

“- Hey, you mind if Cookie Monster use “WITH TEARS FROM JENNIFER” for title of movie script he working on? Is like Meet de Fockers but even more sad and depressing. Cookie Monster give you half price tickets to premiere.

“My name is Miss Jennifer Brown Marisa a twenty two years old looking for a trustworthy ,sincer and honest someone who can help us in this time of needs.”

- Mebbe six feet tall, handsome, and rich too? Yeeesh. Could be reason you still single because have unreazonable expectations. Take Cookie Monster advice. Lower bar. Remember, you no spring chicken anymore.
“My father is Dr Johnson Osy Marisa, a man who deal more especially on diamond and ground nut in the republic of Cote d’Ivoire.”

- How nut business going? Cookie Monster try it, but have trouble making ends meet! Hahahah! You get it? Ends meet because… No, wait. Is wrong business. Hey, you email back and say instead you have company dat manufakture like-positive magnets. Den, Cookie Monster write back - No. Scratch dat. Me remember now. Nut business? Cookie Monster try too but find very hard to crack. (Pleeze do not repeat. Joke is copyrite. Am saving for script. Same applize to magnet gag. Tanks.).

“ During the civil and political crisis in our country, my parents together with my three sister were posioned by heartless elements that called themselves his business partners after returning from a business trip in spain.”

- Oh, quick to judge. Cookie Monster once suspect business partners poizon him too. But turn out it only samonella from Ceasar salad Cookie Monster ate for lunch.

“Fortunately for me and my younger brother, we were in our school when this tragedy took place to our family.”

- Is terrible! How you take news?

“We were in coma for almost two weeks.”

- Wow. Purty bad.

“But I thank the almighty God because I never knew that I could support the shock of losing almost my whole family.”

- Errr, no offence but you do louzy job of supporting shock. You in coma for two weeks! If dat not bad, me not want to imagine worse case scenario.

“ That is by the way.”

- By de way what? Me miss something?

“Right now I am still here in Cote d’Ivoire with my only remaining brother but very unsafe for us.”

- Stick to salad nicoise and you be okay.

“We are living in great fear and bondage.”

- Cookie Monster not into de kinky stuff.

“I intend leaving this country as soon as possible but only one thing kept me back.”

- Last few episodes of Cote D’Ivoire Idol? Get neighbor to record and send you tape, but stay off LJ community or is hard to stay spoiler free. Dey ruin season finale of One Tree Hill for Cookie Monster.

“My late father has deposited with one of the prime bank the sum of money, $5.2Million USD, for onward transfer to any bank abroad”

- Dat buy a lot of cookies.
“But unfortunately he did not complete the transaction before he died.”

- So much for cookies.

“I have all the documents concerns this money in the bank and receipt of deposit with which my late father made the deposit,“

- Den you all set. Cookie Monster glad it work out for you. Keep in touch.

“we have mapped out 15% out of the total money for your help and asistance because it looks stupid for me trying to confide in a total stranger I never met before .”

- Like, for instants, you doing now.

“By instinct I am convinced you are an honest man and you have the capacity to handle this transaction with me.”

- You have not good instincts. But is okay with Cookie Monster.

“As soon as it is done, I will come over with my brother to meet you and spend the rest of our lives in your country.”

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Dere is reason why Cookie Monster don’t have kids. Hey, me hear Madagascar nice.

“I wish to invest the money into estate business and other good business you may propose.”

- How about frozen yogurt franchize? We be partnes, but only if Cookie Monster can work machine dat squeeze out yogurt look like upset-stomach squiggly poop in a cup. You add sprinkles.

“I promise to greatly compensate you for any assistance you may offer us.”

- Two hundred chocolate chip cookies. Half up front. Other half on delivery.

“I do not know how you may feel about this but I want you to take this very serious and confidential.”

- Oh, Cookie Monster very serious. And Jennifer no have to worry. Me very discreet. Very good at keeping secretz. For instants, nobody know dat Ernie and Bert nearly bankrupped, Count in rehab, and Grover room safe combination 22-47-34 - his aunt Marjorie mezurements.

“Down here, I am living in fear because enemies of my parents are hunting for us. Please let me know your mind concerning my proposal to you.”

- Yo, Cookie Monster down like clown headed into town in olive brown bridal gown. Let’s do dis ting.

Cookie Monster Out (but me really in).”

Today’s blog is dedicated to the studious birthday celebrant GrapesofWraith and the Freemantle-borne Josh “The.Crayton.Gangsta” (for real) Meyers. Bon Voyage!

Today’s mailbag (actually run-off from yesterday’s mailbag which may take weeks to get through)…

Lisa S. writes: “Have you finished ‘Soon I Will Be Invicible’ yet? What did you think?”

Answer: Soon I Will Be Invincible is a very clearly by a comic book fan for comic book fans. And, being a comic book fan myself, I really enjoyed it. Grossman does a wonderful job of touching on all the super-universal touchstones, dealing straight with some and playing others for laughs. Baron Destructo saw a lot of himself in Dr. Invincible.

Sulien writes: “Is there any possibility we might be able to get an episode with mini-Jack?”

Answer: Michael Welch did a spectacular job as the young Jack O’Neill in Fragile Balance. However, I didn’t think it made much sense to bring the young Jack character back to SG-1 after O’Neill left, and I find it even harder to imagine him making an appearance in Atlantis.

Jennifer H. writes: “This semester I’m taking a Science in Science Fiction class and we’re reading Timescape, Brave New World, Dispossessed, and Red Mars. Ever read any of those books, and if so what was your take on them?”

Answer: I own Timescape and it’s on my to-read list and it’s been a long time since I read Brave New World. Red Mars - like much of KSR’s stuff, it’s heady stuff, meticulously detailed hard SF. A great book although I thought the immortality treatment felt like a narrative convenience, a singularly implausible element in an otherwise very plausible world. The Dispossessed - an intricate and richly-layered account of two planetary societies. Unarguably thought-provoking despite the fact that, at times, it feels like a political and philosophical wolf treatise in scifi sheep’s clothing.

OregonJen writes: “Isn’t it “N. John Smith”?”

Answer: Oops. So it is.

Kathleen writes: “would you accept a hat if it came accompanied by an assortment from Burdick’s Chocolates in Cambridge, MA? And by ‘accept’ I mean ‘wear in a photograph on your blog?’”

Answer: I’d be happy to wear the chocolate.

Arlessiar writes: “I get why certain characters aren’t in certain eps, it’s just that sometimes just a tiny little scene with them seems to be missing to make the plot absolutely believable.”

Answer: Unfortunately, putting them in one little scene counts toward their overall episode commitment. So rather than place them in a throw-away scene, we prefer to save the character for an episode in which they can have more meaningful input.

Nathan writes: “Who was the girl in the control room who had more lines than Chuck? Was she a winner of a contest or just an extra?”

Answer: Nope, she was cast. And her character even gets a name next season!

longtimereader writes: “ I was just wondering if we’ll see Richard Woolsey again during season 4?”

Answer: Yes, we will.

amac251 writes: (1) “While Rodney and Katie were an OBVIOUS pairing […] I don’t “get” the way their pairing ended. […] was the viewer suppose to conclude that this relationship is never going to go anywhere? (2)I LOVED the Carter/Zelenka pairing […]. Was this pairing original from the first draft(s)? If so, who came up with the idea?

(3) Speaking of Carter, every SG1 fan knows that Carter is VERY capable of addressing any technical crisis that would suddenly arise. […] have the writers purposefully had her hold back to give McKay and Zelenka the dignity to work on these problems?”

Answers: 1) Yes. 2) Yes. Carl Binder. 3) Carter has her hands full as the base commander and defers to McKay in scientific matters, Sheppard in military matters. She is, however, fully capable of stepping in to make a call or add her expertise should the need arise.

OregonJen also writes: “I was wondering who created the puppets in “200.””

Answer: They were made by my old buddies, the Chiodo Bros., who also made the puppets for Team America: World Police.

Rachel writes: “ I actually have a legitimate question though. I so happen to work in Caesar’s Palace, and thus have access to Vosges chocolates. I’ve already tried the Barcelona (om nom nom nom…) and Mo’s bacon (surprisingly not disgusting). Any further recommendations? I’m not nearly adventurous enough to try the curry powder one.”

Answer: I hope you’re trying the truffles. There’s a world of difference between the Mo’s bacon truffle and the chocolate bar. Other truffles I would suggest you try - the Woolloomooloo (my writing partner’s favorite), the naga (that sweet Indian curry), the Budapest (with Hungarian paprika), and the Red Fire.

Emily writes: “What?!? You mean you don’t do it for the great company and conversation?”

Answer: I come for the experience - but stay for the company!

Patricia writes: “The Creation Event tickets are non-refundable…otherwise I’d probably cancel now based on your cryptic answer!”

Answer: Go and have a good time. As many have pointed out, I think the high point of these events is getting together with all of your online friends. Also, it’s a rare opportunity to see Richard Dean Anderson. Oh, wait. That’s Gatecon. Never mind.

Kaycee writes: “There’s been a big legal scuffle with J.K. Rowling and RDR Books over someone having a lexicon/encyclopedia being published without her authorization and such. […] If this sort of thing /does/ happen- and since you’re on the production side of a series that has a community of fanfic writers and such, do you see that sort of thing happening on the legal side?”

Answer: I can’t comment on this topic as it relates to the J.K. Rowling situation. Is the online lexicon a reference for fans, or is it something that those who have produced it are making money off of? There’s a huge difference. As for fan fiction as it applies to Stargate - Hey, why the hell not.

David writes: “Do you use the same Daedalus bridge set for the Oddysey, and the Appolo?”

Answer: We do.

Neep writes: “Shat’s your verdict on choco chilli tea… would you try it Joe?”

Answer: Sure.

Anne Teldy writes: “Thank you again, Mr. M. Whether she’s eaten by space cows, killed by Sheppard in his stick-fighting episode, or dies of poor hygiene due to the lack of bathing facilities in Atlantis, I’m sure you’ll write a memorable death scene for my namesake.”

Answer: You’re welcome. And you can bet I will.

Patricia writes: “when I go on the tour of the Stargate Sg-1 & Stargate Atlantis Sets at Bridges Studio’s on April 5th, hosted by N. John Smith, will you come down and say hello to me…PLEASSSSSE?”

Answer: Come in on a Saturday? Hmmm. How about I come down and say hi when the bus tour stops outside the studio?

Susiekew writes: “1) Who’s idea was very suggestive looking Rodney plant?
2) Were Zelenka’s Czech lines scripted or ad lib? And what was he saying?”

Answers: 1) Carl Binder! 2) I believe it was suggested he mutter something in Czech, but the actual dialogue is all David. As for what he was saying - I have no idea.

Anne Teldy also writes: “Would you mind terribly if I quote your contest and winner announcements and ‘borrow’ the watch pictures for my own blog?”

Answer: Not at all.

Lorr54 writes: “Joe, you mentioned some time back that you have favorite APODs on your desktop. I love the site and have about 100 photos cycling as my work screensaver. Try http://www.cosmotography.com as well.”

Answer: Thanks. I’ll be updating my desktop wallpaper.

Sulien writes: “Since you’re a fan of Star Trek the original series, have you read many (any?) of the novelizations?”

Answer: Although I’m sure there are great novelizations out there, I don’t read tie-ins.

landers writes: “If you guys wanted Ronon to have a girlfriend, why did you kill Beckett for it?”

Answer: Wow, you figured us out. You’re very, very, very smart. No, really.

PG15 writes: “Oh hey, and I thought you may get a kick out of this:

http://forum.gateworld.net/showthread.php?t=50575 “

Answer: Now THAT is a brilliant post.

Anais33 a ecrit: “Quel est le nom est prénom des personnes de la production qui travail avec vous??”

Reponse: Il ya environ 200 personnes qui travaillant avec moi sur Stargate.

Sort of translation: I’ve been asked for the first names of everyone who works with me. I pointed out that I work with about 200 people.

Sosu writes: “Any chance of seeing Vala in Atlantis anytime soon?”

Answer: Nope.

Tanni writes: “So if every line of the poem refers to another episodes, does that mean there are already hints for 15 episodes of season 5??”

Answer: Yes.