November 30, 2007

Who can I talk to about getting the last two days of my life back? No, wait! Don’t tell me yet. I have a feeling I may have to add to that tally before next week is through.

Yes, I’m sure that when most of you imagine the life of an executive producer, you envision all sorts of wheeling and dealing and wild partying in Ibiza and late night pictionary with the President of Burkina Faso. And while that much is true, there is a downside to running a t.v. show. Sadly, it’s not all “off with their heads”, gold leaf desserts, and robot butlers. Sometimes, days upon days of the job are comprised of hours upon hours of phone conversations in which much is discussed but little is concluded. It’s sort of like doing a jigsaw puzzle with some friends only to discover, well into the process, that one of your buddies has been removing pieces from the already completed portion and pocketing them, so you confront him and he puts the pieces back and just as you’re about to finish the puzzle, you realize that your other two friends have made off with the coffee table. And, oh yeah, the house is on fire.

About an hour ago, Paul called in from Hawaii to get the update. As I was filling him in, he interrupted our conversation to point out a whale to his family. “Hey, I see a whale!”he informed me. I was less than congratulatory: “How nice for you.". He’s sees a whale. I see the flashing red light reminding me to recharge the batteries on my cordless.

Now I know why Chevy Chase gave up show business.

Anyhoo, you have all/are/will to enjoyed/enjoying/enjoy tonight’s episode - Miller’s Crossing. What did/do/will you think? Inquiring minds (a.k.a. Martin Gero) want top know.

Oh, and Happy St. Andrew’s Day.and Stay At Home Because You’re Well Day.

Today’s mailbag:

J-Dog writes: “Would love to see an ancient toilet or urinal looks like.”

Answer: Yeah, that would be pretty fantastic. But, so far, we’ve come up dry on Ford, Genii, and ancient urinal stories.

Royal Nonesuch writes: “I would also like to see Atlantis bathrooms…”

Answer: Out of curiosity, is there a lot of fan fiction focused on the toilets in Atlantis? I get the feeling the answer is yes. Putting the finishing touches on my flush fic…

Emily writes: “If you don't finish a meal at a restaurant do you ask for a box/doggy bag and take it home?”

Answer: I have four dogs. You bet I do.

Elizabeth writes: “Do you know of any fairly cheap, really good restaurants in LA (preferably near Anaheim)?”

Answer: Sorry, I don’t.

Ascended Tauri writes: “how do you and Paul Mullie jointly write a script?”

Answer: When we first started working on Stargate, we would work in the same office, tossing out ideas as we wrote. In later seasons, we would pitch the script back and forth, rewriting each other’s work along the way. But for the past few years, we’ve been writing scripts separately.

November 29, 2007

A late blog entry today as I’ve been on the phone all day talking to everyone dealing with everything. And, ultimately, settling nothing. However, I did take a break to allow my phone to recharge - and check my yahoo accounts.

I came across an email to Baron Destructo from poor Lady Jenny Peters who only has two weeks to live and is looking to bequeath her sizable fortune to, as she put it: “you/church”. Bless her heart. The Baron wrote back:

“Dearest Lady Peters,

Sad is the news that you only have two weeks to live. Even sadder, then, that your email languished in my inbox for three weeks before I happened to notice it. Sorry about that.

Hopefully, this little note finds you well and, specifically, well enough to sign over your $2.5 million dollar fortune to me. Given the fact that you narrowed your choices of possible benefactors down to either myself or the church, I applaud your decision to send the funds my way. In truth, it inevitably amounts to the same thing as our respective goals or not all that dissimilar. While the church is interested in saving souls, my associates and I are interested in freeing souls from their earthly shackles and sending them on their way to whatever afterlife awaits them be it Heaven, Valhalla, or another kick at the can as a dung beetle or morning radio host. So, you see, it all amounts to the same thing: tomato - tomahto, potato - potahto, salvation - enslavement of the entire human race on our way to world domination.

Also, at the end of the day, the church would have probably blown it all on stained glass and HBO.

Insidiously yours,

Baron Destructo

Cc: Calamitous Jane, Glaxnor the Miscreant, Sinderella Washington, Xxxaptak’qul, Dr. Catastro, Dr. Disastro, Dr. Quinn Meddlesome Woman, Ray Mephistopheles, Archfiend Animus, Brutus Badly, the Plague Zombies, Vorzik the Planet Squisher, the Malevolater, Count Sinister, Kugal Baruth, Death Knell, Star Father Celestio, Shatterdam, Princess Arcana, the Mystifier, the Procrastinator, the Soul Emancipator, Quickstrike, Professor Frosty, Flamer the Flaming Man, the Pummeler, the Purple Lamprey, and John Tesh.”

Book Club Results. It was The Princess Bride of The Crooked Letter in the fantasy category, and The Time Traveler’s Wife nudging past Alas, Babylon in the scifi category. You’ll all have an extra week to read the selections as I’ve pushed back discussion to the first week of January.

As in previous months, I’m going to go ahead and read the other titles nevertheless - Alas, Babylon which was recommended to me by Claire at Scifi, and The Crooked Letter whose writer, Sean Williams, is apparently a fan of the show and I think it would be great to show him some support. Who’s with me?!

This week, I finished two books: Isaac Asimov’s Foundation (a masterpiece of science fiction) and Dan Simmons’ Summer of Night (the creepiest horror novel I’ve read in recent memory). With the Golden Compass movie set to premiere next week, I thought I would give the first book of His Dark Materials Trilogy another try. But before I do, I’ve decided to take a little break and entertain myself with a little light reading from my youth: Goscinny and Uderzo’s La Serpe D’Or (in the original French, natch).

Let’s squeeze in some questions and comments:

Thornyrose writes: “Is there any point in the year where the entire production staff is truly on hiatus?”

Answer: Nope. Our Visual Effects department will be working into early next year and by when the time comes for their hiatus, we’ll be back in the offices prepping season 5.

Ploker writes: “Is that a pic of your waiter…”

Answer: That is Fuel owner Tom Doughty (who tirelessly works the room while Chef/owner Rob Belcham works the kitchen).

Anonymous #1 writes: “Hi, does any of the story ideas you have for season 5 include Ford or any chance of seeing him at all during season 5???”

Answer: As things stand, it is unlikely we’ll see Ford in season 5.

Morgia a ecrit: “Est-ce que votre équipe a carte blanche dans la création des personnages et des histoires ou faut-il que vous suiviez des critères déjà établis ?”

Reponse: Nous avons carte blanche.

Elizabeth writes: “Do you think the fans will like the change in the timeline that happens at the end of Continuum (the thing where something is different but they remember the old timeline)?”

Answer: Fans are making a HUUUUGE deal out of this change to the timeline that, at the end of the day, is a very tiny alteration.

Indy-D writes: “ This may have already been asked and answered, but will Sheppard eventually get a bed that fits his body?”

Answer: Actually, the beds are bigger but Sheppard actually prefers the smaller versions because he doesn’t like his feet tucked in at night. Go figure.

Anonymous #2 writes: “Do you think the fans will like the change in the timeline that happens at the end of Continuum (the thing where something is different but they remember the old timeline)?”

Answer: I think the fans will be livid that they spent so much time agonizing over such a small thing.

Twolly writes: “In my dream, you and Martin were my neighbors […] you suggested I put on a party hat […] . Then we proceeded to go to the laundry mat and eat hamburgers that were hanging from the ceiling by strings. Weird huh?”

Answer: Everything except the part where we have the hamburgers suspended from the ceiling by strings. Martin and I have actually eaten there.

Waffle writes: “This might be an odd question for your blog, but do you know what Peter Deluise is up to these days?”

Answer: Alas, I do not.

November 28, 2007

Well, with the holidays upon us and everyone going their separate ways - Hawaii, San Francisco, Vegas or, in my case, nowhere- Fondy and I got together with Marty G. and his gal Stephanie for a little pre-Christmas dinner at - where else? - our favorite Vancouver restaurant: Fuel. Apparently, whenever Martin or I make reservations, the gang at Fuel gets all fired up because it means they’ll be able to test those somewhat atypical recipes they’ve been dying to try out. And Martin and I are just to guys to appreciate the sort of off-book creations Chef Belcham and co. come up with.

On this night, we dispensed with the menus and went with the Chef’s 6 Course Dinner, placing our evening (and respective stomachs) in Rob’s infinitely capable hands. He started us off with a little appetizer: nice, thick slices of smoky homemade coppa ham served with a sweet and tangy green tomato chutney. I honestly tried to limit myself to four slices but, when Martin left the table to take a call, those delectably sweet slices beckoned and I couldn’t well allow them to go to waste. The wonderful thing about Fuel’s coppa is that, despite being air-cured, it is far from dry and a wholly different experience from any market-bought cured meats.

We followed up the coppa with soups - a slow-cooked parsnip soup with smoked spring salmon and horseradish, and duck consomme with boudin, thyme, fennel, and slices of smoked duck - two of each for the table. Although I’m not that big of a soup guy (the notable exception being Fuel’s high seasonal corn soup that I would kill for), I enjoyed both although I preferred the consomme which proved incredibly flavorful, its accompanying smoked duck slices nothing short of heavenly.

The next course was comprised of gorgeous heirloom beetroot and butter lettuce salads for the ladies and, by special request, the Jeruselam Artichoke Risotto with house smoked polder side duck for Martin and I. The gals loved their salads, dressed with homemade ricotta and fireweed honey dressing. Martin and I, meanwhile, were delighted in our risottos. Next time I’m in, and provided it’s still on the menu, I’m getting it again.

Because Martin innocently inquired (a.k.a. strongly hinted) about the possibility of seeing some foie gras on the menu, the table was served an entire lobe of pan-fried foie. Divided four ways, it was an incredibly generous portion that ultimately proved too rich for Fondy and Stephanie - what with two more courses headed our way - so Martin and I batted clean-up. Overall, a great dish that was somewhat undermined by the tartness of its plum accompaniment.

Next up was the fish course and four different dishes: 1) tuna for Stephanie served in some sort of broth - I didn’t sample it so I can’t offer my take, but Stephanie didn’t love it, 2) a good but slightly overcooked ling cod for Fondy, upstaged by delicious piece of smoked pork belly it was served atop, 3) scallops with truffles for Martin which he adored but, nevertheless, allowed me a taste, and 4) a perfectly-prepared piece of salmon for me, poached in olive oil and served with brussel sprout leaves and fingerling potatoes. A magnificent dish.

Course #5 - the biggie: a rack of pork prepared cooked sous-vide and finished in a cast-iron pan, served with lentils and deep-fried cheese curds. Well, for once, words fail me. Martin summed it up nicely when he likened the texture of the pork to braised short rib - utterly tender and delicious - the greatest pork dish he’s ever had. And I would agree.

Four different desserts to conclude the meal: some non-dairy creation for Stephanie that I didn’t sample, a terrific Manjari chocolate terrine for me, an incredibly light Tahitian vanilla crème brulee for Fondy, and, the latest addition to the dessert menu, a roasted dulce de leche pound cake with pumpkin confit and cinnamon cocoa sorbet for Martin.

Service, as always, was excellent.

Today’s pictures: Our dinner at Fuel.

Today’s mailbag:

Cyn writes: “A friend and I got into a discussion about whether First Strike was the case when compared to the Iraq War. Was there such a discussion about this episode?”

Answer: There wasn’t. The problem with having stories reflect world events is that, by being topical, you run the risk of dating yourself. Also, I personally find nothing more annoying than clumsy, transparent attempts at lecturing the audience.

Suekay writes: “ Just a coincidence, but one of the Chinese restaurants in my village is called the Princess Rose.”

Answer: Coincidence…or is it?

P.S. : It probably is.

Carolann writes: “would you be able to offer any advice on how someone like me might have a chance at breaking into screenwriting?”

Answer: Pick up a good scriptwriting software program and spec some scripts. Get your foot in the door by writing for animation.

Angelique a ecrit: “Et est-ce que tim ginee sera dans le telefilm continium ?”

Reponse: Oui.

Anonymous #1 writes: “ I can't deal with my Ben taking orders from a woman.”

Answer: Heads up. Cameron Mitchell is a fictitious character played by actor Ben Browder. Ben Browder is the real actor who portrays the character of Cameron Mitchell.

For future reference.

Anonymous #2 writes: “Yeah I would have written more intelligent dialogue and better plot devices that stayed true to established canon and not thrown the canon out the door…”

Answer: Bless your heart. You remind me of my sister-in-law who once said: “You have the best job in the world. You just sit around all day, making stuff up.” Yep, our job’s are that easy. So easy, in fact, that even someone like you could do it. Maybe I’ll come over to your office and work accounts receivable for you. Let me know when’s good for you. I’ll make sure to pack my abacus.

November 27, 2007

Love is in the air! My BaronDestructo@yahoo.com account received an email from a Princess Rose (no kidding) promising me romance, devotion, and, oh yeah, 5 million dollars if I could help facilitate a little transaction. “I LIKE ANY PERSON WHO CAN BE CARING, LOVING AND HOME ORIENTED,”writes Princess Rose in all capitals to no doubt emphasize her earnestness. “I WILL LOVE TO HAVE A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU AND TO KNOW MORE ABOUT YOU. I WOULD LIKE TO BUILD UP A SOLID FOUNDATION WITH YOU IN TIME.” She goes on to explain that her father was “A KING, WHICH OUR TOWN CITIZENS TITLED HIM OVER SIXTEEN YEARS BEFORE HIS DEATH” and that she “WAS A PRINCESS TO HIM”. Furthermore, there is $25.5 million sitting in an Ougadougan bank account gathering dust and could I help her free up the funds in exchange for a cool 5 mill?

Baron Destructo wrote back:

“Dearest Princess Rose,

Your letter could not have found me at a better time as I am presently in the process of seeking out my soul mate, someone with whom I can share life’s high, its lows, and its inevitable little curveballs (like that time INTERPOL raided our offices in Amsterdam and we were forced to trigger the charges that collapsed the building and incinerated the records pertaining to Operation Santa Claws of Death). Could you be this person? The one who completes me? She who shares my love of world conquest, power unbridled, and Peanuts Holidays Specials? Before you answer “yes” there are some things I must know about you - and that you must know about me.

You write that your father was a King “which our town citizen titled him over sixteen years before his death”. All well and good but was he considered official nobility? Was his title registered with World Blue Bloods Inc.? The simple fact that the town’s citizens gave him the title does not necessarily make him so. While receiving my education in villainy alongside my fellow scoundrels, evil-doers, and miscreant mutants at the London School of Economics, I remember one chap the class would refer to as Duke Doofus. And yet even though we referred to him as such, he was not, in fact, a Duke (he was actually an Earl, and not a particularly notable one at that, but that is neither here nor there). Furthermore, you go on to write that you were “a princess to him”. But being a princess to your father does not necessarily make you one. I possess two hellhounds - one named Eviscerator who, yes, admittedly, is quite literally an eviscerator, but also one named Mooglypants who, it may surprise you to know, has never worn a pair of pants in his life. Do you see my point? While I applaud your efforts to strike out in a colorful vein, I must object to your unearned use of the title. That said, with $25.5 million in the bank, I’m sure you could find your way to purchasing a title. Perhaps a nice Countess or Viscountess or, if you feel like splurging, a Marchioness?

You also write that you “like any person who can be caring, loving and home oriented” which, quite frankly, makes you sound not all that choosy. If that’s all it takes to win your heart, then might I suggest you get a pet rabbit instead? If, on the other hand, you are seeking someone highly ambitious who refuses to be dissuaded by negativity, delays, or nuclear-tipped warheads, then I am your man. And you can be my (figurative) princess and share in what I have to offer: my robot chimp army, my satellite death ray, and my timeshare in Hawaii. Think of it, my dear. Just me, you, and your father’s $25.5 million dollars. And Eviscerator and Mooglypants. And the rest of the League of Aliens and Mutants for Evil who are like my extended family. And, oh yes, my extended family.

If this is something you’d like to pursue, let’s arrange a meeting. Perhaps a romantic dinner for two? Is this Friday night good for you? Since I’ll be away on intergalactic business, would it be possible to meet somewhere in between your place and my location? Say, Saturn? Let me know.

Diabolically yours,

Baron Destructo

Cc: Calamitous Jane, Glaxnor the Miscreant, Sinderella Washington, Xxxaptak’qul, Dr. Catastro, Dr. Disastro, Dr. Quinn Meddlesome Woman, Ray Mephistopheles, Archfiend Animus, Brutus Badly, the Plague Zombies, Vorzik the Planet Squisher, the Malevolater, Count Sinister, Kugal Baruth, Death Knell, Star Father Celestio, Shatterdam, Princess Arcana, the Mystifier, the Procrastinator, the Soul Emancipator, Quickstrike, Professor Frosty, Flamer the Flaming Man, the Pummeler, the Purple Lamprey, and John Tesh.”

Today’s mailbag -

Quantaqua writes: “Have you ever eaten a "stroopwafel"?”

Answer: Not intentionally.

Cathie writes: “Do you see yourself writing for atlantis for another 5 years?”

Answer: I try to take things one year at a time.

ActingChick writes: “Can you recommend some good books. Anything with a tough, sexy female protagonist?”

Answer: Check out Nancy Traviss’ City of Pearl. Also Octavia E. Butler’s Parable of the Talents and Parable of the Sower for a protagonist who, while not exactly sexy, is tough as hell.

Sherwood Forest Maiden writes: “Do you know if Jason and Joe's homes are in any danger of the latest Malibu fires??”

Answer: I don’t, but I spoke to Joe a couple of days ago and he didn’t mention it.

Anonymous #1 writes: “When you wrote the very touching, almost lover-like goodbye scene between Sam and Teal'c in Reunion did you take into account Sam and Teal'c intimate relationship from Unending which BTW Teal'c remembers?”

Answer: What intimate relationship?

Dovil writes: “ I never knew whether Wraith were meant to be stuck on an all human diet or whether they were capable of snacking on the entire animal kingdom menu.”

Answer: Even though they can feel on animals, they don’t provide the, uh, full nutritional value of a human being.

Erin Anderson writes: “ That being said, have you ever read Conquistador by SM Stirling?”

Answer: Haven’t read any Stirling but the covers of his books always catch my eye when I’m browsing at Chapters. Some day, I no doubt will check him out. Is Conquistador the book you recommend?

Annie writes: “Have you been game enough to try birdspittle soup?”

Answer: A.K.A. Bird’s Nest Soup? I have not.

Jenny Robin writes: “ Memphis Barbecue Review!”

Answer: No vanilla ice cream with your pe-CONN pie?

Anonymous #2 writes: “Ben Browder mentioned that he'd be going up to Vancouver in December for the premiere of Ark of Truth.”

Answer: It’s not a “premiere” but more an “advanced screening”. Yep, I’ll be going.

WingedPegasus writes: “What's the little button thingy in the middle of the DHD called?”

Answer: The quiblax.

Charles Schneider writes: “Does Carl have any stories from the front lines so far?”

Answer: I’m not sure, but I believe he was almost run over by Calista Flockhart. The lucky bastard.

Joshua Meyers writes: “Has it been considered to take Rachel out, similarly to what happened to Michael Shanks, in season 6-?”

Answer: Why would we want to do that?

Ben writes: “Are there any writers on staff who are really into video games?”

Answer: One Martin Q. Gero.

Anonymous #3 writes: “ Please don't let this be true after how poorly written the character was by Paul Mullie in Travelers.”

Answer: There’s a big difference between “poorly written” and “not how I would have written it”. In the case of Travelers, you’re saying the former but you actually mean the latter.

Philly writes: “Anywho, it occurred to me during my latest carbfest to ask where you stand on Indian food?”

Answer: I’m for it. Vij’s is one of my top five favorite restaurants in Vancouver.

November 26, 2007

Okay, so what did everyone think of this month’s Book of the Month Club selections: Stephen King’s The Gunslinger (book one of the Dark Tower series) and Frank Herbert’s The White Plague? What’s that? You want me to go first? Alright. Let’s start with -

The Gunslinger

Let me preface my thoughts on this book by saying I think Stephen King is a fabulous writer. His books have been described as “compulsively readable” and I would wholeheartedly agree. That said, however, I found The Gunslinger a very difficult read - at times slow, at times purposely confusing, and, in general, lacking the trademark King characterization present in most everything else he has written. Granted, he was 19 at the time he wrote The Gunslinger and he had yet to develop into the master storyteller he is today, but what surprised me about this book was not a failing on the part of the writer to deliver an engaging read, but an apparent unwillingness to do so. The purpose of our protagonist’s quest is shrouded in mystery, some of the mystical developments downright incomprehensible. King’s work in the horror genre, despite its fantastical subject matter, has always felt grounded and that, in my opinion, is the reason for his broad appeal - he creates a world the reader can relate to and peoples it with characters they can relate with. In the case of The Gunslinger, I felt let down on both counts.

Several fans of the Dark Tower series warn that Book One is a tough slog, and King himself in the preface to my edition of the book readily admits that the series only really picks up in the third installment. I give King the benefit of the doubt and while I wouldn’t hesitate to pick up another one of his books, I’m afraid it won’t be Book Two of the Dark Tower series.

The White Plague

I read the first 100 or so pages of this book in one sitting (Which may not sound like a big deal but the typeface in my edition of this book was tiny. Let’s put it this way - I could have finished Book Two of the Dark Tower series in the time it took me to read these 100 pages). The narrative hits the ground running with a horrifying terrorist act, a grieving victim left unhinged by the attack that killed his wife and children, and his horrific revenge on those he holds responsible: Ireland, England, and Libya. It isn’t long before this revenge, a plague that targets women, soon spreads to other parts of the globe, resulting in mass panics and attempts to contain the spread of the plague through a scorched earth strategy that leaves scores dead and whole cities destroyed. The world governments gather their best and brightest - a team of scientists who race against time to find a solution to an outbreak that threatens the very existence of humankind. It’s a spellbinding read, those first 100 or so pages are, and then things begin to slowly unravel. We hopscotch back and forth between different characters, some interesting, some not so much (ie. What the heck was going on with the papal mission?), and for reasons I’m still having a hard time understanding, the mastermind of the plague travels back to Ireland where, coincidences of coincidences, he meets up with the individual responsible for the death of his wife and children. They spend the back half of the novel journeying through a decimated Irish countryside with a priest and a young boy in a development that I can only describe as a let-down after those first 100 pages. It’s very well-written and the discussion of the bigger issues (relative guilt, what constitutes revenge) are food for thought, but at the end of the day, too many characters and too diffuse a storyline end up scuttling a very promising narrative.

Overall, beautifully written and thought-provoking, but somewhat dissatisfying given the promise of its superlative start.


Okay, so what did everyone else think?

By the way, to those of you still keeping track, less than 25 000 more visits to go before we hit the magic 750 000 and the lucky virtual dinner winner.

Oh, and to those who keep asking about making cookie deliveries - Carl Binder will be picketing at the Disney studios in Burbank, from 8:00am-11:00am in front of the Buena Vista gate. Please be respectful. In other words, no oatmeal cookies.

Finally - whoever left the link to that gaming petition. I can't approve it because, quite frankly, I don't understand it.

Today’s mailbag:

Gracey writes: “ Who's office is the video game in? And why does it seem like you all hang out in the hallways so much??”

Answer: The video game is in the writers’ room to ensure we are never overly productive. And we hang out in the hallways a lot because there is one less office than there are producers so that we are forced into constant rotation, like playing a season-long game of musical chairs.

Aquarian writes: “If a waitperson asks if you want hot peppers, do you take Jalapenos, Habaneros, (other), or none?”

Answer: I’ll go habanero - and a glass of milk, please.

AMZ writes: “…have you ever had any funny line moments in scripts written by you and Paul Mullie?”

Answer: Er, I’m not sure I understand the question.

Chevron7 writes: “Do you hate my questions? Most of them never get answered. Do you hate me?”

Answer: I don’t know. Tell me a little about yourself.

Gatedialer writes: “Joe, have you ever read any of Max Brooks Zombie books?”

Answer: Read ‘em both and loved ‘em.

Kdvb1 writes: “Why do the Wraith have sharp teeth as they (and Iratus bugs) don't chew food to eat? Can Wraith feed on animals instead of humans?”

Answer: They can chew food (ie. Condemned) but it can be argued that their sharp teeth are, like claws, an offensive/defensive holdover of their evolution. Also, they can feed on animals but they are hardly as satisfying. Why have cow hamburger when you can have human steak?

Michelle writes: “Regarding yesterday's tee-shirt, I'd like to respond with: All Your Base Are Belong to Us. Seems fitting.”

Answer: I’ve gotta find a way to work this in to a future episode.

Emily writes: “Do you have any bets as to who will be this year's Ultimate Survivor?”

Answer: Unless his teammates blindside him in the next two weeks, I think James has pretty much got it locked up.

Tenmongaku writes: “Is there somewhere in Japan that you haven't been that you are particularly interested in visiting? If so, why?”

Answer: I’d like to visit an onsen.

Anonymous #1 writes: “Actually I was talking about the collateral damage suffered by your (increasingly tedious) planet of the week "primitives" who seem to be hoovered up at an alarming rate by the Wraith. The Wraith that were awakened in great numbers by ignorant, blundering invaders from another galaxy who just because Atlantis has something they want seem to think they have a right to a) take it b) hold it all costs c) continue to disrupt the balance of a galaxy they still know little about.”

Answer: The wraith were mistakenly awakened in Rising, while Dr. Weir as at the helm by the way, so the evidence you’ve supplied to support your argument would suggest that, under the diplomat’s command, the expedition screwed up in a big way. Also, I don’t see how adopting a more conciliatory approach toward the wraith would solve the problem. At this point, the expedition could either cut and run and abandon the humans of the Pegasus Galaxy (which is what you appear to be suggesting) or they could call in the proper reinforcements (the military) and try to deal with the threat. Also, the term “planet of the week” only applies if we actually visit a planet a week or, heck, one every three weeks.

Chez writes: “ Just a bit of trivia, Sean Williams loves Stargate - I've worked with him at the SA WORD festival, and I hope you don't mind if I send him to check out your blog!”

Answer: By all means. And even if The Crooked Letter does come up short to The Princess Bride in the BOTM vote, I’ll be reading Sean’s book regardless.

Padawan Aneiki writes: “When you guys write an episode, do you write it already IN script form, or do you have to take the time to adapt what you've written INTO script form?”

Answer: We spin for a few days, then break the story (in one or two days). The outline is then written in about a week, after which the first draft if written in about two weeks. Subsequent rewrites take anywhere from a day to a full week.

Anonymous #1 writes: “I was wandering if you have a favorite scene or episode that you have written, since you joined the writing team in season four, for the character of Daniel?”

Answer: The Curse way back in season four.

MrsB108 writes: “Does the weight of all the dead inhabitants of the Pegasus Galaxy due to the Replicator base code have a profound effect on the characters for the rest of the season? Will they suffer for what they've done?”

Answer: They will come to face the consequences of all of their actions/mistakes.

Jmac9ky2k8 writes: “Again, thanks for your time and your support. You were very generous.”

Answer: No problem. As I said in the room, it’s tough, what with some 300 stories already in the can. And I’ll be sure to check out Kingyo.

Farscapefan writes: “Is Brad Wright going to shut Daniel/Vala fans/shippers up effectively erasing "Unending" events ?”

Answer: Nope. Although the end of Unending pretty much erased those events.

Elizabeth writes: “ Do you like eggnog (the non-alcoholic variety, of course)?”

Answer: Love it. I even made eggnog ice cream last year.

November 25, 2007

My visiting two year old niece is afraid of me. You can see it in her eyes when she comes bounding down the stairs and then spots me and freezes. Those eyes say: “Holy Shit! It’s that crazy guy who talks to dogs!”. I suppose in a way I can be kind of scary. I can be overly enthusiastic about chocolate, I do talk to my dogs, and I am prone to rageful outbursts whenever the Raiders turn the ball over or when I sit down to watch what I expect will be a new episode of Survivor only to discover it’s a damn clip show! Still, in this wonderfully antiseptic politically correct world, my sister-in-law refuses to say her daughter is afraid. Rather, she is shy. And so, whenever she refers to Alexa’s reticence to have anything to do with me, she simply switches out the word “afraid” for “shy” as in “She’s shy of you.” Shy OF you? Come on. That doesn’t even make sense.

I suppose the average person (ie. a human being) would be hurt or annoyed, but I consider it a blessing of sorts. In the words of history’s greatest parental advisor, Niccolo Machiavelli: “It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.” (because, as Machiavelli would have pointed out, there’s no avoiding a kid who desires your attention - as the weary couple seated behind us at dinner last night proved).

Speaking of fine literature - with the holidays almost upon us, I figure I’d get an early jump on the next Joe’s Book of the Month Club selections.

The candidates in the so-far-underperforming fantasy category:

The Crooked Letter by Sean Williams. According to the book jacket: “When Seth and Hadrian Castillo travel to Europe on holiday, they don’t expect the end of the world to follow them. But Seth and Hadrian are mirror twins, identical in every respect but reversed as though looking in a mirror. When Seth is stabbed in front of Hadrian, Hadrian is thrust into a nightmarish cityscape filled with corpses and monsters, and into a reality more secret and strange than nay he could have imagined.”

VS

The Princess Bride by William Goldman. According to the back of the book: “Wesley, the handsome farm boy who risks death (and much worse) for the woman he loves; Inigo, the Spanish swordsman who lives only to avenge his father’s death; Frezzik, the gentlest giant ever to have uprooted a tree with his bare hands; Vizzini, the evil Sicilian, with a mind so keen he’s foiled by his own perfect logic; Prince Humperdinck, the evil ruler of Florin, who has an equally insatiable thirst for war and the beauteous Buttercup; Count Rugen, the evilest man of all, who thrives on the excruciating pain of others; Miracle Max, the King’s ex-Miracle Man, who can raise the dead (kind of); and, of course, Buttercup…the princess bridge, the most perfect, beautiful woman in the history of the world!”

The candidates in the scifi category:

Alas, Babylon by Pat Frank. According to The New Yorker: “Alas, Babylon. Those fateful worlds heralded the end. When a nuclear holocaust ravages the United States, a thousand years of civilization are stripped away overnight, and tens of millions of people are killed instantly. But for one small town in Florida, miraculously spared, the struggle is just beginning, as men and women of all backgrounds join together to confront the darkness.”

VS

The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger. According to the back of the book: “When Henry meets Clare, he is twenty-eight and she is twenty. Henry has never met Clare before; Clare has known Henry since she was six. Impossible, but true, because Henry finds himself periodically displaced in time, pulled to moments of emotional gravity from his life, past and future. Henry and Clare’s attempts to live normal lives are threatened by a force they can neither prevent nor control…”

Voting commences….NOW!…and ends Wednesday at midnight. Because of the holidays, I’ll move the discussion to the beginning of January so that everyone can have time to finish the books. Meanwhile, discussion on this month’s selections (The Gunslinger and The White Plague) begin tomorrow.

Today’s mailbag -

Elizabeth writes: “1) Have you ever seen the movie One Night With The King (it's about Queen Esther)? 2) Have you ever been to Disneyland? 3) Which movie are you looking forward to more, Stargate: The Ark Of Truth or Stargate: Continuum?”

Answers: 1) I haven’t. 2) I haven’t. 3) Neither as I’ve already seen both.

Anonymous #1 writes: “ Joe- you went off on me a couple days ago (the 19th) for calling you a liar and not citing my sources when clearly you know what I was talking about. As you said so yourself: The first time I answered this question way back when, I said that Torri’s 4 episodes would be in the first half of the season. This is no longer the case..”

Answer: At the time I answered the question, the appearance was in the front half and so, I was not lying when I answered. But the fact that the appearance was moved to the back half suddenly makes me a liar? A wonderful example of why I grow increasingly reticent to answer specific fan questions.

Anonymous #1 also writes: “I would like the to know the title of Torri’s fourth episode in the back half of season four…”

Answer: Feel free to ask as often as you like. I’m not answering the question.

Anonymous #2 writes: “Does that mean that Rachel will miss a couple of the first episodes for Season 5?”

Answer: Nope.

Ambermoon writes: “Have you ever traveled to Okinawa and enjoyed their culinary delights?”

Answer: Fondy and I had considered going to Okinawa this year, but had to cancel our holiday plans when Fondy kick-started her new business. We did, however, enjoy something called an Okinawa Roll at Yuji’s last month. What made it Okinawan? The inclusion of spam. Tasty!

Alipeeps writes: “So Joe... what's your thoughts on the latest season of House so far?”

Answer: I’m a couple of episodes behind but, so far, I feel that this is the strongest season the show has ever done. I’m loving the changes.

Demon Hunter writes: “What does the Q stand for in Martin Q Gero?”

Answer: My guesses - Quibbly, Quirky, Querulous.

Leesa Perrie writes: “So, what happens in 'The Last Man' to make McKay so old?!”

Answer: He was waiting for me to tell him the title of Weir’s fourth episode.

Anonymous #3 writes: “Oh, right I get it now. There's oil in the Pegasus Galaxy, isn't there? So who cares if a few native "primitives" get killed if the mighty US military gets the goodies it believes it's entitled too.”

Answer: Uh, what show are YOU watching? What “oil”? And what “primitives”? The poor, misunderstood wraith? You’re looking mighty silly trying to force a parallel that isn’t there.

Katheen writes: “Hi Joe - have you eaten in any of the restaurants in Tokyo that the Guide Michelin just honored with three stars?”

Answer: I haven’t - but fully intend to on my next culinary tour through Asia (Fall of ‘08).

Carolina writes: “I'm also a great sushi fan and I go to my sushi restaurant once or twice a week, my favorite rolls are those that have a crunchy texture…[…]. So what do you like in your rolls? what is the must ingredient.”

Answer: Tojo’s here in Vancouver does a fantastic spider roll with a thin cucumber wrap (instead of the usual nori). As for my must ingredient: avocado.

Cathie writes: “Do you like yum cha?”

Answer: Love it. We got to Sea Harbour Seafood Restaurant when we want to order from the menu, Sun Sui Wah on Main when we went to pick and choose from the passing carts.

November 24, 2007

The t-shirt says “DEATH BIRD” on the front and “FALL FROM SKY” on the back. You’ll be excused for assuming it’s a reference to some lame heavy metal band (“Hey, Death Bird kicks off its Fall From Sky tour this weekend! Awesome!!”). In fact, there’s a story behind the Death Bird t-shirt.

Way back in Atlantis’s first season, then hot young upstart Martin Gero (as opposed to the miserable grizzled veteran he is today) wrote a little script called Childhood’s End which became his very first produced episode of Stargate: Atlantis. The experience wasn’t a wholly memorable one for poor Martin and, some day if you invite him to a con, you should ask him to regale you with behind-the-scenes anecdotes about this episode (which, I’m sure, he’ll be more than happy to supply complete with his trademark funny voices, faces, and sound effects). I remember we were sitting in Robert’s office, watching the previous day’s dailies, when one of the young actors said “Death bird fall from sky!”. Huh? Martin shook his head as if to assure us (but, in hindsight, I believe he was trying to reassure himself). “That’s not the line in the script,”he said. “He’ll get it right in the next take.” Next take: “Death bird fall from sky!” I could see the sense of panic slowly overtake Martin as we got to the third take: “Death bird fall from sky!” Well, at least the kid was consistent.

Even though the coverage was eventually re-shot and the proper line delivered, Martin still ended up disappointed with the final product. Although there are far more memorable lines that did make the cut (Teyla’s “It was too small to be a dart” in reference to a wraith probe that looks absolutely nothing like a dart is my personal favorite), Martin‘s favorite is the one that didn‘t: “Death bird fall from sky.” To commemorate the event, he had t-shirts made for the entire writing staff. I finally wore mine the other day (three years later) after Marty G. complained that we clearly hadn’t appreciated his largesse.

I wanted to follow his lead and done something similar to mark my low-point, Irresponsible, but the costs of supplying the writing department with what would amount to an entire wardrobe of gaffes proved a tad too costly.

Today’s pics: Death Bird - fall from sky.

Today’s mailbag -

Charles Schneider writes: “My puppy once got into a bag of puppy chow when I was away. He was still only a few weeks old, so his whole body ballooned up to hilarious proportions.”

Answer: Yeah, there was the time Maximus got into the trash and consumed the entire portion of Curried Fusilli we had tossed. He was so blimped-out that I was unable to get his harness on and, instead, had to carry him outside for his “walk”.

Thornyrose writes: “When exactly will the final cut of the final episode of season four be done? How many episodes of S4 do you actually have ready for airing at this time?”

Answers: The final cut is done but the episode has yet to be mixed and the visual effects aren’t finished. As for number of finished episodes - twelve I believe.

Anonymous #1 writes: “Sorry I don't know how long it has been since you've last visited Montreal but have you ever been to the Italian restaurant Scarolies?”

Answer: Yep. Not a bad restaurant.

Anonymous #2 writes: “Have you ever tried a Polish cucumber salad called "mizeria"?”

Answer: Fondy orders something very similar whenever we go to The Budapest.

AscendedTauri writes: “Did you try any of the 'Daily Flavor' creampuffs?”

Answer: Sadly, they only had original vanilla when Alex swung by.

Arctic Goddess writes: “What is a wok kitchen?”

Answer: It’s a separate kitchen attached to the main kitchen where we do our stir-frying.

Anonymous #3 writes: “You said that Teyla will be back in season 6...”

Answer: Sorry, that was a typo. I meant season 5.

Morgia a ecrit: “Je me demandais à quel endroit à Montréal Fondy avait acheté les chocolats.

Reponse: Suite 88 Chocolatier.

Annie writes: “is that a dog turd amongst the rubbish???”

Answer: That was my initial reaction when I spotted the mess - but closer examination revealed it was part of an overripe banana peel.

VinsFins writes: “Are we going to see the Apollo and Deadalus in more action?”

Answer: We will in BAMSR.

Anonymous #4 writes: “…you could have answered criticism of how the baby storyline is playing out without blaming the actress.”

Answer: Uh, I was being sarcastic.

Susan the Tartan Turtle writes: “ How come Lulu was at daycare and the others were left home alone? Are they more trustworthy?”

Answer: Evidently not. But she is a handful and daycare does tire her out - much to the delight of the pugs.

Michelle Lunsford writes: “I was curious if your chocolate sampling had ever included chocolate infused with tea flavors?”

Answer: Yes. Christopher Norman Chocolates has a Luxury Tea Collection made up of Lapsang Souchong, Rose, and Mango & Green Tea-Infused Truffles.

Catharine writes: “If the writers had decided to write Season eight (of SG-1) with Sam being pregnant, who would have been the father?”

Answer: No idea.

Tauri Sith writes: “Why don't you like kids?”

Answer: On the contrary. Sometimes, kids can be hilariously entertaining. Check out my December 26, 2006 entry: http://josephmallozzi.blogspot.com/2006/12/december-26-2006.html

Anonymous #5 writes: “Ah yes, because brute force is always so much better than diplomacy, eh? Let's apply the US model of international relations! Invade what isn't yours in the first place…”

Answer: Easy there, Sammy Soapbox. How does that apply to Atlantis? Given the threat the expedition has faced from both the wraith and the replicators, it makes sense that the military would step in as they are in a better position (ie. resources) to defend the city and our planet’s interests in the Pegasus Galaxy.

MaggieMayDay writes: “What part of Japan are you particularly fond of?”

Answer: Love Tokyo.

Anonymous #6 writes: “Hey Joe, any thoughts on the Blue Water Cafe in Yaletown?”

Answer: I prefer their sushi over their regular menu.

November 23, 2007

I arrived home today to the sight pictured above (Pic #1). My first reaction was “We’ve been robbed!” My second reaction was “Why would the burglars root through the garbage?” Why? Because burglars didn’t root through the damn garbage! The pugs did! While Lulu was at daycare and I was at work, someone (I won’t name names but it could be the same person who left the Halloween chocolates out on the coffee table last year that resulted in the pugs getting mighty sick. Thank God the assortment was made up of Smarties, Crunchies, and KitKats and, thus, contained very little actual chocolate.) left the door to the wok kitchen open, allowing the dog easy access to the garbage bag sitting inside.

At work today, we got a surprise of another sort when Alex Levine walked in with two dozen cream puffs from Beard Papas, a bizarrely named Japanese cream puff chain that opened a franchise at the Aberdeen Center in Richmond and has been doing crazy business. According to reports, you have to go there early weekday mornings because the line-ups on weekends will have you waiting close to two hours! Only original vanilla flavor available today, but delicious nevertheless: two tier pastry (pie crust on the outside, choux pastry on the inside) stuffed with pastry cream and a touch of whipped cream). I ate three in rapid succession before Brad had even finished his first. As good as they were, I don’t know if I would line up for two hours for another dozen - but I certainly wouldn’t hesitate to send Alex back on another run.

And speaking of delightful deliveries - Paul finally received shipment of the new Golden Tee motherboard and hard drive that will allow the office’s avid arcade golfers (that would be everyone except me) to play a slew of new virtual courses. I haven’t seen them this excited since we heard we got picked up. No, check that. I’ve never seen them this excited.

Amidst the unpacking and the Golden Teeing and the general cream puffery, we did manage to sit down and watch a Day 1 Mix of Midway. Damn fine episode. Teal’c and Ronon kick mucho wraith ass - when they’re not beating the crap out of each other.

Today’s pics: Drop zone, the cream puffs, the chocolate Fondy brought me back from Montreal, like kids in a candy store

Today’s mailbag:

GrapesofWraith writes: “I was wondering what was your first experience in script writing? And would you recommend buying a script writing program, or just using my regular word processor?”

Answer: My very first paying gig was a script I wrote for The Busy World of Richard Scarry, an episode titled Patrick Pig Learns to Talk. And, yes, I would definitely recommend buying a scriptwriting program (we use Movie Magic Screenwriter). Despite a writer’s best efforts, word processor scripts always look amateurish.

A.Q.J. writes: “Q: which scene in the whole 4-seasons of SGA do you love most? Finally, the humor in the show is more than jokes to made! i love them all, i laugh on them more than anything else. Q: how much is your participation in that humor?”

Answers: Off the top of my head, my favorite scene is probably the surprise kiss in Duet. As for the humor - all of the writers throw out ideas and suggest funny lines during the breaking session after which it is up to the writers to incorporate the funny lines (in addition to the countless others he has come up with), then it is the actor’s turn to deliver the line in a funny way, the director’s job to capture it, and the editor’s job to find the best take.

Mackenzies Momma writes: “Whats the one thing you most want for christmas?”

Answer: The time to go back to Japan and Hong Kong.

Palmereldritch writes: “Joe, if you were able to design your own Joe Mallozzi celebrity sandwich, what would it be?”

Answer: Pacific salmon with light mayonnaise and chopped green onions with avocado and sliced cucumbers on toasted multi-grain.

Amelia writes: “Re Pauline's comment about Scotch Eggs…”

Answer: What’s a Scotch Egg? They sound delicious.

Tesajb writes: “ So what are your plans for the weekend?”

Answer: Finally make some headway on Dan Simmons’ Summer of Night. Oooh. Spooooky.

Mrsb108 writes: “Will there be any mysteries left unsolved crossing over to Season 5?”

Answer: Oh yeah.

Anonymous #1 writes: “Exactly how long is this boring baby storyline going to be on screen in Season Five?”

Answer: Darn that Rachel. We kept telling her “Come on! Have the baby already! We need to get on with this storyline!” But rather than accommodate people like you, she chose to wait the full nine months to have the kid! Can you believe it?! How incredibly selfish of her!

November 22, 2007

It’s something I’ve been wrestling with for a while and, well, this morning, I finally decided to accept it. No, better. I’ve chosen to embrace it. I’ve always been respectful toward those with alternate opinions or values, and yet I’d always considered people who espoused this particular conviction - well, a little wacky. That was because I had the facts wrong. I pre-judged without actually walking the long mile in their shoes. But that has changed.

Of course I realize that some of you will feel that this isn’t the forum to discuss such a topic and that I’d be far better off keeping this epiphany to myself. But I can’t do that. It’s part of who I am now. So please understand - I’m not preaching to your here, only telling you about my own wonderfully revelatory experience in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, some of you will open your hearts to this life-altering truth:

You know what makes a sandwich great? Cucumber slices!

I know, I know. I can already here the disappointed groans, anxious murmurs, the sad, slow headshakes. But I don’t care. I’m comfortable with my new, pro-sliced cucumber stance. While I’ll never be a fanatic (eating cucumbers on their own or tossing them in a salad and calling that a meal), I’ll probably never again eat another sandwich without their delightfully crunchy presence.

The veil has been lifted and, even though some of you may be disappointed, know that I am, at heart, the same person I always was.

Which clearly some of you know better than others judging from the response to yesterday’s blog. To win the (somewhat) special prize, I figured I would test you with 20 tricky blog-related questions. “When’s the deadline?”Fondy asked. “I don’t have one,”I replied. In fact, I assumed I’d have responses trickling in over the better part of the weekend. If no one came up with all twenty answers, which was more than likely given the range of questions, I would end the contest on Sunday and award the prize to the person who got the most answers right. And so, I posted my blog entry and headed out for dinner. About an hour later, I received my first response from Charles Schneider who scored an impressive 18 out of 20. A half an hour later came the second response - from the eventual winner who scored 20 out o 20.

The winner? None other than encyclopedic blog regular PG-15. Congratulations PG-15. Again. Honorable mentions to everyone who made a game effort, especially Uber, HiddenSky, and Emily who got ‘em all right but, alas, weren’t fast enough.

As for those of you wondering about the answers…

1. Name 3 members of the League of Aliens and Mutants for Evil.

Baron Destructo and the League of Aliens and Mutants for Evil made their first appearance on an August 20th, 2007 blog entry. Baron Destructo responded to a scammer’s offer of $950 000 by thanking him and assuring him the money would go to a good cause - specifically, the League of Aliens and Mutants for Evil‘s goal of total world domination by the year 2010.

The League’s membership roster, cc’d at the end of all of the Baron’s emails, is made up of -

Calamitous Jane, Glaxnor the Miscreant, Sinderella Washington, Xxxaptak’qul, Dr. Catastro, Dr. Disastro, Dr. Quinn Meddlesome Woman, Ray Mephistopheles, Archfiend Animus, Brutus Badly, the Plague Zombies, Vorzik the Planet Squisher, the Malevolater, Count Sinister, Kugal Baruth, Death Knell, Star Father Celestio, Shatterdam, Princess Arcana, the Mystifier, the Procrastinator, the Soul Emancipator, Quickstrike, Professor Frosty, Flamer the Flaming Man, the Pummeler, the Purple Lamprey, and John Tesh.

2. What was the warning on the cool Stargate Atlantis mug I received from MGM?

“This product contains or may contain a chemical known to the state of California to cause birth defects and other reproductive harm”. Like I said back when I first blogged about his back on August 31, 2007 - Good thing I prefer dogs over kids!

3. What is my dark horse football team of the 2007-2008 NFL season?

The Cleveland Browns who, as I write this, are neck and neck with Paul’s dark horse Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

4. What did we find out we had unwittingly consumed in Japan when we ate a soup containing “milt”?

Back on December 3, 2006, I blogged about a wonderful meal I enjoyed in Tokyo. Among the many great dishes we enjoyed that night was a monkfish hotpot and dumplings. I wrote: “Fondy’s dumpling contained a mysterious yet incredibly sweet and creamy white filling that I asked our waitress about. She pointed to the menu: monkfish milt. Not a clue. It wasn’t until later that night when I checked online that I discovered we’d eaten monkfish sperm.”

5. According to Cookie Monster’s account of a recent Games Night on Sesame Street, why was The Count arrested?

My August 20, 2007 blog entry included an email from Cookie Monster to the scammer he was stringing along. It related the events of a recent Games Night on Sesame Street that ended badly for some: “ Everyone have good time and try to stay up late but first Telly pass out (tired), den Bert pass out (tender meatballs), den Big Bird fall down stairs (Jagermeister) and Ernie have to call ambulance, den police come and arrest Count for yelling and pants down.”

6. Name one of the ways I once suspected my wife of trying to kill me.

Back on March 17, 2007, I revealed three highly suspicious incidents that could have ended very badly for me - and, coincidentally, my wife insisted were mere oversights on her part. 1. I got the okay from her to drink from a water bottle - that happened to contain oxy clean. 2. She closed the never-ever-closed glass door to our solarium and then didn’t answer the phone early one morning, causing me to jump up and rush over to answer it - and right into the plate glass solarium door. 3. She set the blender back into its cradle but minus its base so that when I poured milk in, the contents seeped out the bottom and onto the counter. The blender was plugged in at the time.

When I told Fondy about this question, she vehemently protested, but not for the reason you’d think. “I only tried to kill you twice!”she claimed. Then I reminded her about the blender. “Oh yeah!”she laughed.

7. Who was my dog Jelly named after?

Fondy named him after the lovable gangster played by the late Joe Viterelli in Analyze This.

8. What was the title of the phony episode outline that “mistakenly” appeared on my blog?

The boards lit up after I posted a photo of Carl on my blog, a photo that seemed to inadvertently include a full outline for an episode titled Foxy Loxy with Floppy Socksies. The boards were abuzz - but it was all for naught. The outline and episode title were as fake as a reality show.

9. What did Carl give Marty G. for his birthday this year?

Carl gave Martin a second season dvd set of the show that gave him his first break: Punky Brewster. And wrote the following inspirational message on the front cover: “Martin, Follow your dreams!! Carl”

10. What delighful delicacy have I likened to “tiny orange tongues”.

Back on March 18, 2007, I reported on a terrific meal I enjoyed at Tojo’s, Vancouver’s premiere sushi restaurant. One of the night’s most memorable dishes was the live sea urchin which I likened to tiny orange tongues.

11. How did I kick-start my incredible weight-loss regimen of late 2006-early 2007?

Back in late 2006, while traveling in Asia, I ordered the snake soup at the Hong Kong airport - and lived (but just barely) to regret it. I was incredibly sick for the ensuing week in Tokyo, dropping a good ten pounds between before returning home - and embarking on a diet and work-out regimen that allowed me to shed another five pounds.

12. What Marvel villain adorns my Bridge Studios pace card?

My March 8, 2007 included a shot of my new Bridge Studios pace card. “Does the green of the body suit bring out the opaque or my fishbowl helmet?”I asked. This one was a little tougher for those using the search option on this blog because I never named the villain pictured. But fans of Marvel Comics and Spiderman in particular recognized the nefarious Mysterio.

13. What mispronounciation during an audition for SG-1 villainess Adria almost had Paul, Andy Mikita, and myself on the floor?

On March 31, 2007, I mentioned an audition in which “an aspirant referred to herself as “the daughter of the Oreo”.” We almost lost it.

14. What Disney movie did Carl Binder write the screenplay for?

That would be Pocahontas.

15. What did Ben Browder say to Pierre Bernard upon first spotting him at this year’s Comic Con?

Back on July 28, 2007 I gave you my report on the San Diego Comic Con. After the Atlantis panel, Ben Browder, Martin Wood, and I swung by a fan gathering where Pierre Bernard was present. “Ben, upon spotting Pierre who put in an appearance in 200 as a zombie that Mitchell guns down: “Bernard! Didn’t I kill you already?”.”

16. Name 3 authors (and their respective books) I have enjoyed reading.

Lots to choose from here. Three of my favorites off the top of my head:

Joe Abercrombie (Before They Are Hanged)
John Scalzi (Old Man’s War)
Iain M. Banks (Consider Phlebas)

17. How old was my grandmother when she passed away?

Props to Charles Schneider for trying “She’s not dead and just turned 57 last year” (which should make me, at best, 29). The real answer is, of course, 112.

18. Name one of the fictitious anime characters (and the series they appeared in) I claimed to have voiced during a recent appearance at an anime con.

My August 19, 2007 blog entry gave you the run-down of an anime con I guested at - and a particularly painful autograph session where I learned that most anime fans do not watch Stargate. After disappointing a string of excited fans in search of famous voice actors, I decided to change my tact. ““What voice work have you done?” I stared blankly back at them and then, after a few seconds, tried: “I was Orville the recalcitrant emu in Butter Ball Apocalypse. Did you see that one?” They shook their heads. “Sugoki from Squidbaiters One and Two? Carmelito 3000 from Mecha-Nibs? Sunomono Jones from Junior Revenge Seekers?” That last one seemed to spark some recognition in the guy dressed up as the hedgehog soldier who gave a slight nod and an: “I think I’ve seen it at the store.” I signed autographs for all for.

19. Name one of the top ten shows that influenced me growing up.

I gave you the breakdown back on May 2, 2007, listing them and giving you the reasons why. Take your pick from: Dallas, Spiderman, The Beverly Hillbillies, Soap, Gilligan’s Island, Hogan’s Heroes, Star Trek, Get Smart, The Flintstones, and Batman.

20. What is the name of Aloysius P. Hazzencockle’s orphanage?

Way back on July 2, 2007, Aloysius P. Hazzencockle sent an email to a scammer, Ali, who was desperate and (literally) dying to enlist someone’s help (and money) in setting up an orphanage. Aloysius was more than happy to lend his support, and even went so far as to suggest possible names for the orphanage. They were -

ALOYSIUS P. HAZZENCOCKLE’S HOME FOR WAYWARD YOUTH in memory of Ali Abbas

ALI IN THE FAMILY - HOME FOR ORPHANS AND ALOYSIUS P. HAZZENCOCKLE

HAZZENCOCKLE’S HACIENDA OF LOVE AND CARING AND ALI

THE HOUSE THAT GOD (AND 38.5 MILLION DOLLARS) BUILT

The very next day, I reported that Ali had written back: “ As regards the orghanage name conclusivelly, ALI IN THE FAMILY - HOME FOR ORPHANS AND ALOYSIUS P. HAZZENCOCKLE has finally caught my likes,and i settles for that .”

Again, thanks to everyone who participated. In the end, there are no losers. You are all winners. Although PG-15 is just a slightly more winner in this case.

Before finishing up today’s entry and moving on to the overdue mailbag, I’d like to dedicate today’s blog to Mags, her mother, and family (who are going through a tough time right now), and Amber at the request of her friend Anna (who is going through an equally rough time right now).

Today’s mailbag:

Royal Nonsuch writes: “Can you hint as to which series concept (if any) was cut?”

Answer: It was pre-Stargate and, believe me, not all that interesting.

Anonymous #1 writes: “What part of Italy is your family from? My last name is Turchiano and we're from the South, near Bari.”

Answer: My mother’s side is from a town called Altamura in Bari.

Nikki writes: “So are you dubious and erring on the side of caution saying no, or dubious on the curious side and saying yes?”

Answer: I’m not a fan of hard or chewy candy - but I don’t speak for the rest of the writing staff. So dubious and saying yes.

Kirfect writes: “Do you let your lovely dogs sleep in the bed with you?”

Answer: They used to, but their snoring kept Fondy up so now they sleep beside the bed (in their own little doughnut beds).

Anonymous #2 writes: “is Torri Higginson in 4 episodes int he first half or not?”

Answer: The first time I answered this question way back when, I said that Torri’s 4 episodes would be in the first half of the season. This is no longer the case.

Amac251 writes: “ What was everyone's reaction (at the studio) to Atlantis receiving a Peoples' Choice nomination?”

Answer: Everyone was both excited and honored. Did you go vote? Did you get your friends and family to vote? Great! Now go back and keep voting!

OhioAnne writes: “If you were an Iron Chef and the secret ingredient were turkey, what would be your five courses?”

Answer: 1. Crisp turkey spring rolls with sweet chili sauce. 2. Cream of turkey soup with chives. 3. Turkey-pea risotto with pancetta. 4. Garlic-stuffed roast turkey. 5. Turkey ice cream.

Jenny Robin writes: !

Answer: Get somebody to illustrate it and then get it published!

Val a ecrit: “ Je voulais vous demander, est-ce que Torri ou Amanda ont été blessée par certaines remarques qu'elles auraient pu lire?”

Reponse: “Sans doute ils ont lu certains de ces commentaires.”

Morjana writes: “Your blog has been nominated -- in several different categories -- for the 2008 Blogger's Choice Awards!”

Answer: Is there some sort of awards ceremony I need to attend? Would you happen to know if they’ll be serving dinner and, if so, what is on the menu?

Sis writes: “Dad had, and I have an allergy to penicillin as well as any drug in that family... now you do as well. I had my first reaction when I was in my 20's. I have (also since my 20's)a slight fruit intolerace... canteloupe, honeydew, eggplant - ok, one vegetable - and yes, pineapple. Did you excercise after consuming the fruit? There are excercise induced fruit allergies.”

Answer: Eggplant? Really? You have no problem eating mom’s eggplant parmesan. On the other hand, is that why the roof of my mouth gets all sensitive and prickly after I eat it?

November 21, 2007

Happy Anniversary to me! As someone has already pointed out, today marks the one year anniversary of this blog. Way back in November 21, 2006 when I composed my very first entry, I wrote:

“Unlike the last blog which focused on the show and its various behind-the-scenes happenings, this one will adopt a more scattershot approach, covering a variety of topics in a half-ass manner, ensuring that anyone checking it out in search of any one thing will come away feeling wholly dissatisfied or, at the very least, somewhat disappointed.”

Well, twelve months later, and even though I know I wasn’t able to dissatisfy everyone, I hope that, at the very least, I was able to disappoint each you at least once over the course of 360+ entries.

To commemorate the occasion, I thought I’d do something special. Not as special as a special 750 000th visitor “Virtual Dinner with Joe” giveaway of course. Something not-as-special-but-special-nevertheless. I am going to give away my (almost?) complete series run of Stargate SG-1 on DVD. I say almost because I can’t find season 10 but I’m sure it’ll turn up sometime between now and when I mail it off to the winner. And to be that lucky winner, all you have to do is answer the following questions that test your knowledge about me - or, more precisely, everything I’ve written about here over the past year - which really shouldn’t be that hard since you’re all regular readers who know this blog inside-out.

The first person to answer all questions correctly will receive the (almost?) complete Stargate SG-1 series on DVD which will ship out sometime in the New Year. If the winner resides outside of North America (in which case these Region 1 DVD’s would be all but useless to them) he/she will receive a just-as-special alternate prize that will prove just as thrilling.

Contest is open to all except relatives of Joseph Mallozzi and anonymous responders.

This may take a while…

1. Name 3 members of the League of Aliens and Mutants for Evil.

2. What was the warning on the cool Stargate Atlantis mug I received from MGM?

3. What is my dark horse football team of the 2007-2008 NFL season?

4. What did we find out we had unwittingly consumed in Japan when we ate a soup containing “milt”?

5. According to Cookie Monster’s account of a recent Games Night on Sesame Street, why was The Count arrested?

6. Name one of the ways I once suspected my wife of trying to kill me.

7. Who was my dog Jelly named after?

8. What was the title of the phony episode outline that “mistakenly” appeared on my blog?

9. What did Carl give Marty G. for his birthday this year?

10. What delightful delicacy have I likened to “tiny orange tongues”.

11. How did I kick-start my incredible weight-loss regimen of late 2006-early 2007?

12. What Marvel villain adorns my Bridge Studios pace card?

13. What mispronounciation during an audition for SG-1 villainess Adria almost had Paul, Andy Mikita, and myself on the floor?

14. What Disney movie did Carl Binder write the screenplay for?

15. What did Ben Browder say to Pierre Bernard upon first spotting him at this year’s Comic Con?

16. Name 3 authors (and their respective books) I have enjoyed reading.

17. How old was my grandmother when she passed away?

18. Name one of the fictitious anime characters (and the series they appeared in) I claimed to have voiced during a recent appearance at an anime con.

19. Name one of the top ten shows that influenced me growing up.

20. What is the name of Aloysius P. Hazzencockle’s orphanage?

UPDATE: STOP! PUT YOUR PENCILS DOWN! WE HAVE A WINNER! TO BE ANNOUNCED TOMORROW.

November 20, 2007

It may surprise some of you to know - given everything written about me on other forums and, more importantly, given everything I’ve written about myself in this blog - that I am generally considered a nice guy. Despite my occasionally acerbic nature, I do consider myself a “people person” provided the “people” in question aren’t: a) jerks, b) idiots, or c) delusional. I’m a fairly patient guy, but I don’t suffer fools, and I am the type to hold a grudge. Maybe it’s my Italian blood, but nothing gets me more worked up than the prospect of payback or, at the very least, principled retaliation. As one of my oldest friend once remarked: “Joe is the type of guy who will get you back for that eraser you stole from him in elementary school.” A bit of an exaggeration - but not all that far off. My mercurial temperament is a source of amusement for many of my friends (sort of a colorfully endearing quality like, say, a southern drawl, an affinity for old Hammer films, or a peg leg with a hidden shotgun component), but a cause for concern (or at least genuine bemusement) for those on the receiving end of my wrathful vengeance.

Of course, the retaliation can take many forms. From killing a series concept championed by an asshole producer to cutting off the yahoo who tried to circumvent traffic by speeding down the right lane, revenge is sweet. And sometimes, even if the response is not exactly retribution in the truest sense of the word, it can be incredibly satisfying. Take today for instance when we kicked off what promises to be a memorable post-season tradition: The Annual Shredding of the Underperforming Restaurant Menus.

Lawren flipped open the file folder and held up each in turn. “Lombardo’s,”he started, “is dead to me.” Apparently, when Lawren called to ask them if they had pepperoni, the guy on the other end of the phone responded with a curt: “No.” This wasn’t Lombardo’s first non-pepperoni transgression. I suspect the owners are part of a little-known anti-pepperoni Sicilian sect. We all passed judgment. Thumbs down on Lombardo’s. Marty G. jumped up and did the honors, snapping away the menu and feeding it to the new office shredder. Marcello’s was next - owned by the former husband of the Lombardo’s owner - similarly pepperoni disinclined. It too went into the shredder. The Casual Gourmet. The verdict: a little too casual. BZZZZZT. Shota Sushi - that failed to leave a message on their business phone line informing customers that they would be closed for renovations, causing Lawren to drive down and find out for himself and, most importantly, inconvenience us with a late lunch. BZZZZZT. Toyotomi Japanese Restaurant that effed up my lunch order way back when. BZZZZZZT!

I can’t wait until next week when the upgraded industrial/human-size shredder arrives. That’s when we’ll finally be getting around to closing those actor deals. And finishing up those employee evaluations. And, now that I think of it, it would be a great time to review my financial advisor's year-end performance. On a somewhat related point, I just had a great idea for how to make the elimination night on Dancing with the Stars far more interesting.

Today’s video: Click on the date to view the Casual Gourmet menu meet its fitting end.

November 19, 2007

Very late blog today as I was dealing with Stargate matters. So short and sweet tonight as I give you the bullet points -

* Martin Gero has agreed to do a post-Be All My Sins Remember’d Q&A on this blog.

* I think I may be allergic to pineapple.

* Less than 45 000 blog visits to go until lucky 750 000 and that virtual dinner.

* The Seer ratings held steady, matching the previous week’s showing for Missing.

* I have to pick up my wife at the airport tonight and I seem to have forgotten her flight number.


This blog is dedicated to future birthday boy Johnny E and Elizabeth’s sister Caroline.

Today’s pics: Awwwww. Puppies!

Today’s mailbag:

Anonymous #1 writes: “Are there plans for Teyla to be in Season 5 or for her to leave with her child and lead her people?”

Answer: Teyla will be in season 6.

Cat writes: “Where does one find deep fried candy bars in the Greater Vancouver Regional District...er, Metro Vancouver area?”

Answer: Go to Wing Nuts on Main Street.

Royal Nonesuch writes: “Has anyone on the SG writing staff ever considered doing a holiday themed episode?”

Answer: Not seriously.

Spankys writes: “My sister-in-law wants to get a pug. […] Is there a difference in temperment between males and females?”

Answer: The females tend to be kinda bossy.

Jasmine writes: “BTW I meant to ask have you ever been to Chambar on Beatty St?”

Answer: I have and had a so-so lamb. I should go back to give it another shot.

Anonymous #2 writes: “Have you lied to us yet again Joe?”

Answer: When you accuse someone of lying, you really should provide corroborative evidence to back up your claim. It’s like me calling you a cretin and then simply moving on to the next comment without so much as bothering to acknowledge your question.

Beckie writes: “You and Marty G. are a prime example of what happens when geeks are allowed to have cars and money and free time - “

Answer: Be afraid. Be very afraid.

42 writes: “Lastnight, after I had closed the shop, leaving only one shutter partially open so that I could leave, turned the lights off and was clearly counting the cash in the till to *close*... a guy sticks his head under the shutter and asks "Are you closed?". This is not the first time this has happened... suggested future response???”

Answer: Sure, crawl on in.

Zabadoo writes: “Is it possible that there was just something about the death of Carson, that we don't know yet, like, for example: his body was never found or something like that where everyone on the show knows but doesn't mention until later?”

Answer: If his body was never found, the audience would know.

Anonymous #3 writes: “We find out that 3 months has gone by - and still there is no attempt made to rescue Weir.”

Answer: When Sheppard approached Carter about mounting a rescue, she told him that he needed to come up with a workable plan that she could get behind. He hasn’t.

I Love Joseph Mallozzi writes: “Y'a t'il une langue que vous rêvez d'apprendre?”

Answer: Japonais.

LibKat writes: “Have you tried Xocolate organic chocolate from San Francisco?
What address should I use to send you a gift of chocolate?”

Answer: I haven’t. But no need to send chocolates. Stargate Atlantis - 2400 Boundary Road, Vancouver, B.C. V5M 3Z3

Elizabeth writes: “Do you celebrate the US Thanksgiving Day (November 22)?”

Answer: In Canada, we celebrate Thanksgiving in October - and Christmas in mid-July.

November 18, 2007

12:15 p.m.: I get “The Call”! But I miss it because I’m in the backyard scooping dog crap.

12:23 p.m.: I realize I’ve missed “The Call” and try Marty G., catching him enroute. I inform him that me and my Q7 are ready for Operation Magenta (a.k.a. Let’s go to Best Buy and get your brother a flat screen t.v.). He informs me that he is aborting his solo run and returning to home base.

12:51 p.m.: The pick-up goes off without a hitch.

13:02 p.m.: Arrival at Best Buy-ish. I take a wrong turn and end up in the Canadian Tire rooftop parking lot. While Martin checks out the inflatable Christmas lawn decorations, I attempt to master the parking ticket dispenser. It is a true battle of wills, man versus machine, that ends with machine eating man’s two dollars. Martin eventually walks over and pays with his credit card.

13:10 p.m. - We locate target - 40” Sony flat screen t.v. - and await the help of a “sales associate”. They are very friendly (“Hey, how are you?” on their way by) but not particularly helpful. One eventually slows as Martin waves him down with a: “Can I get some help?” He assures Martin that he will find someone to help and disappears into the back.

13:21 p.m. - No sign of help or the “sales associate”. I hope he’s okay. Martin flags down another “sales associate” who, again, slows down long enough to assure us he will find someone to help us before disappearing into the back.

13:31 p.m. - I fear something horrible has happened to the “sales associates”. Marty G. is more worried about which t.v. to choose. Eventually, he chooses among the conveniently available models and, decision made, we pick it up and head to the cash.

13:32 p.m. - We pass an employee (not a “sales associate”) who asks us if we’d like to pay for that. “Oh, no no,”Martin responds and leave him standing there, clearly confused.

13:33 p.m. - We reach the register where the girl at the counter asks us to locate the product’s bar code. We do. She passes the scanner over it. Nothing. She tries again. Nothing. She gives the scanner a shake and tries again. Nothing. “Maybe you should try turning it upside down and then rightside up really fast,”I suggest. She makes a half-effort, tries again. Nothing. “It’s all in the wrist,”I encourage her. She ignores me, types something on her computer screen, and tries again. Nothing. Again. Still nothing. Marty G. is beginning to look weary. “Did you try the upside down rightside up thing?”I ask. “Believe me, I’ve tried everything,”she responds in an obvious attempt to shut me up. Eventually, Martin realizes that her computer screen is prompting her from information. He walks her through the process. She tries the scanner. It works!

13:44 p.m. - The employee (not a “sales associate”) who had earlier inquired about our desire to pay for the t.v. set offers us a “t.v. check up”. Apparently, it’s Best Buy policy to check every television screen for obvious damage (ie. cracked screens, scratched frames, psychologically abused instrumental panels) before the product leaves the store. Martin and I stand by as the employee (not a “sales associate”) summons two peons (“sales associates”) to do the check up. After barely figuring out how to get the box open, they spend a full five minutes trying to remove the protective packaging without ripping it (unsuccessfully). They check the t.v. Nope. No obvious signs of damage. I takes them another five minutes to figure out how to put the protective packaging back on without ripping what’s left (unsuccessfully), then boxing it back up.

13:58 p.m.: One of the “sales associates” transports our purchase to the car. He suggests it sit straight up in the back seat rather than flat in the trunk. Marty G. does the honors, demonstrating great push and shifting skills and determination of spirit. Once he’s done, I complain that the box somewhat obscures my view out the back. “That’s what your back-up camera is for,”he assures me.

13:59 p.m.: As it turns out, my back-up camera only works if I’m driving backwards.

14:06 p.m.: We arrive at home base. I help Martin slide his purchase out of the back seat, across the street, up the stairs, past the giant skulls sitting on his front porch (presumably a Halloween decoration, although Halloween was three weeks ago) and into the house.

14:09 p.m.: Mission Accomplished! I await the customary invite for pizza and beer. It is not forthcoming. Instead, I receive a far less tasty handshake and “See you at work!”. Faaar less tasty.

Today’s photos: Operation Magenta

Today's video: Click on the date for a mid-operation update from Marty G.

Today’s mailbag:

Jon K. writes: “Speaking of fried mars bars, ever had a fried snickers bar?”

Answer: Yup. While I do like them, I prefer the deep-fried Mars bar.

Charles Schneider writes: “Every time I hear the words "deep fried candy bar" I'm instantly reminded of the Simpson's episode wherein Moe converts his bar into a TGI Friday's-esque establishment…”

Answer: Where he deep fries the entire table, plates and all. Laugh if you like, but I think it would work. Especially if the plates were edible.

Promogirl writes: “Will we see Carter going on any more off world missions this season?”

Answer: Carter will see action in the back half of the season.

Nikki writes: “Should it turn out, would you like some? Did you ever have molasses taffy growing up?”

Answer: Molasses taffy? Hmmm. I’m dubious. I’m not a chewy candy fan.

Crazymom writes: “I've been having a wonderful time catching up on my email, posting the photos of Emma's "no more chemo" party and writing stories about the crazy people I deal with at work.”

Answer: Great to hear that Emma will be enjoying a nice Thanksgiving dinner.

Cheveron7 writes: “When questions hit your ear about visual effects and space battles you respond BE ALL MY SINS REMEMBER'D. Now I thought the visual effects in Adrift and Lifeline were pretty killer. Are they just going to get better?”

Answer: There’s an incredible sequence in BAMSR that, in my opinion, is the best visual effects sequence we’ve ever done.

Michelle writes: “One thing (of many) I loved about The Seer was that John values the peoples of Pegasus as much as the safety of Atlantis... asserting they can't defend the city at all costs to the other civilizations. Not only is it the "right" position, we haven't really seen it stated before, and it sets up lots of potential for more conflict with the IOA and US military. Will that be explored this year?”

Answer: Yep. Very late this season.

Jessy Ka writes: “I was wondering, is there any chance to receive an Atlantis e-card with your signature and best wishes for me?”

Answer: Best wishes, Jessy Ka. Better, no?

Paula writes: “If we ever talk you into coming to Atlanta for Dragon*Con, stay over a couple of days and I'll take you to some great Southern BBQ!”

Answer: Deal!

Nolim writes: “In my opinion, the main difference between SG-1 and SGA is the question of bad guys…”

Answer: You raise an interesting point but, for me, what makes a villain interesting is both motivation and personality. The great thing about the System Lords was that they were incredibly colorful characters. Lord Yu, especially, stands out because, despite being “evil”, was surprisingly honorable nevertheless. The Ori, while interesting, lacked individual personality, which is why Adria was introduced. In the case of the wraith, you could argue that they have no choice (that they simply consider humans food), but there is no doubt that they enjoy toying with their victims and even take great pleasure in their suffering. If that’s not evil, I don’t know what is. Nevertheless, in spite of their superior attitude, this season we are making an effort to explore a more “human side” to the wraith through the character of Todd. As I said, I always find multi-layered enemies much more interesting than simply “scary for scary’s sake”.

Dee in South Africa writes: “ I have a brother your age and if he said that to me,well,I would have my hand out and an evil grin on my face. Joe, face it, you're toast.”

Answer: Yeah, she called me last night in celebration.

Cheeky Lil Devil writes: “We were talking about the CG Wraith being in Atlantis, and someone brought up a good point. How are they going to feed him?”

Answer: That’s a great question.

Anonymous writes: “ why did N. John Smith say that the character was only 'disappearing' when he leaked word about Paul McGillion no longer being main cast?”

Answer: That is a question for N. John Smith.

Anonymous #2 writes: “I had fantastic barbeque in Kelwona of all places. The Memphis Blues Barbeque House has the best platter I've had outside the South and the only BBQ poutine I've ever seen!”

Answer: My favorite BBQ joint in town. Their pecan pie a la mode is fantastic.